


What's His is Mine

by tisfan



Series: Tony Stark Bingo [31]
Category: Iron Man (Movies)
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-25
Updated: 2019-03-25
Packaged: 2019-12-07 17:46:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18238208
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tisfan/pseuds/tisfan
Summary: Justin Hammer is selling his things to pay his legal bills… Tony has. Other plans.Tony Stark Bingo: R4: Writing Format: Use of Symbolism





	What's His is Mine

“This would be so much nicer if he was actually dead,” Tony said, lowering his sunglasses just enough to inspect a painting. “Is this an original, or a fake, Pepper, I can’t tell.”

Pepper licked her bottom lip, looking at the painting. “It’s certified as being an original, but Hammer could have had the thing counterfeited, the painting as well as the certification. I’d have to check--”

“Just buy it,” Tony said. “Put it in the stack, lowest possible offer.”

“Why are we supporting Hammer’s legal case, again, remind me,” Rhodey said, coming up on the other side. He looked utterly bored.

“Mostly? Because I can get his shit for a cut rate deal, and it’ll piss him off, knowing I have all his things. If he ever gets out of that shithole, I want him to have to crawl to me, ask me for any of it. Also I kinda want to burn it, and if I do that without owning it, well, they call that arson. You may have heard of it.”

“You’re so petty,” Rhodey said.

“And so, so pretty,” Tony said, primping in the next item, a full length silver mirror with a filigree stand. “And this, I want this. I want to look at myself every morning and remember that Justin Hammer is in _prison_.”

“This makes you look jealous, Tony,” Pepper said. “He’ll take it that way, that you’re jealous.”

“Frankly, I don’t care how Hammer takes it, he’s an affront,” Tony said. “He’s grasping and stupid, he steals ideas and then makes them over worse and cheaper, with no regard to the safety of his customers or the world in general.”

“Coming from the man who literally smashed himself face first into a concrete wall trying to learn to fly,” Rhodey said. “Don’t even deny it, I saw the tapes.”

“I’ll admit, that was a learning experience,” Tony said. “I have learned a thousand ways how to not make a lightbulb.”

“Can we count this as a learning experience?” Rhodey wondered.

“Sure, sugarbear,” Tony said. “This, too-- in fact, this entire room, just buy it.”

Pepper sighed, but tallied it up, using the QR codes on all the items to put in Tony’s bids.

“This is mine,” Tony said, picking up an antique vase. “And this is mine.” -- a collection of original vinyl Beatles albums -- “and this is mine, and all that over there. Except that. I don’t want that, you can have that.”

“You got something against Pluto?” Rhodey picked up the ceramic statue of the famous Disney puppy.

“Pretty sure that Disney’s got some conspiracy going to have Pluto removed from the list of planets as copyright infringement. I refuse to buy Pluto merchandise until our ninth planet is restored to its rightful glory.”

“Tony, this is ridiculous,” Pepper said.

“I was dying two weeks ago, Pep, cut me some slack,” Tony said. “I am enjoying my return to the world of the not-immediately-terminal by being charitable.”

“How is buying all of Hammer’s stuff charity,” Rhodey demanded. “Walk me through that one, real slow.”

“Pepper, check my emails, file from Nelson and Murdock, Attorneys at Law,” Tony said.

Pepper pulled up her phone, tongue sticking out of her mouth adorably. She really was adorable. Poor woman, she was deranged, and Tony thought she might actually love him, which was proof of her insanity. But he loved her, and Tony wasn’t entirely stable himself, so he was going to try to keep that going, if he could.

“What is this?”

“Class action suit from everyone that Justin Hammer has put in harms’ way,” Tony said. “Which-- I’m delighted to announce, has to be paid before any of the funds can be dispersed to the legal funds for his defense.”

“What?”

“Every penny we spend here will be distributed to the people Hammer Industries has harmed.”

“Tony--”

“You sneaky son of a bitch,” Rhodey said. “You know you deserve better than you get.”

“I know,” Tony said. “Despite what people might think, I usually know exactly what I’m doing.”

“Some day, you’re gonna be wrong. I just hope I’m there to see it,” Pepper declared.

“Did she just Princess Leia me? I think she just Princess Leia’d me.”

Rhodey held his hands out in surrender.

“I love you,” Tony told her.

“I know.”

 


End file.
